Transparency, Part 2

It happened in a hotel room.

We were enjoying a women’s conference in Pigeon Forge when my friend said, “Oooh…the next speaker is talking about forgiveness!” With that statement, she looked at me as if to say, “The next hour will be spent talking about what’s wrong in your life!”

“What?!” I shot back, eager to defend my innocence, “I don’t have any bitterness in my heart towards anyone!”

“Really…hmmmm,” she said.

I did not like this discussion at ALL! Obviously she disagreed with me, but the conference was beginning. I informed my friend that this conversation would be finished later.

Session ended. Lunch was over. We wasted more than enough time at a local pottery shop. It was time to revisit our discussion from earlier. As we drove back to the hotel I asked her if she really thought I had not forgiven my mother.

Her answer was one word, “Maybe.”

I explained again that I harbored no bitterness towards my mom. The problem, as I saw it was dealing with fresh pain; the new wounds that were being inflicted at a very steady rate. I had to find a way to deal with them as they came. I was becoming numb to everything. It’s just easier that way; with one exception:

I missed “feeling” God.

Years- That’s how long it had been. With one precious exception…

Three weeks earlier my husband’s very best friend died unexpectedly. His death occurred just a couple of weeks after my best friend lost BOTH of her parents in a week’s time. Also, in that month, because of some bad choices he made and several lies he’d told, my church family lost our pastor. This particular Sunday morning was the day after my husband’s friend died.

We both struggled through the song service- me, from the choir loft, and him, from the pulpit…he is a Music Minister. He was hurting so terribly. And the songs he’d picked on Thursday (before losing his friend) for worship this week were all about Heaven. During our fellowship time I left the choir loft to hug him.

I was coming back to my seat when I “felt” God. Tears were flowing down my face, and I heard the other soprano’s voice. It sounded so pure and rich. The altos broke into harmony, and time stood still. I know it was only a few seconds because I never stopped walking and my chair was only a few steps away. But it seemed to last for an eternity. I sensed Him near; so close I could breathe Him in. The sound of the voices singing pierced my soul. And then, as quickly as it began, it was over.

The heaviness covered me again, and there was nothing. No feeling at all. Complete numbness. I was back to what had become my emotional “home” for so long now.

By this point in the conversation we had been in the hotel room for quite some time. I was a blubbering mess of emotion from reliving this one experience and sharing it with her. Because she is such a close friend, she regularly asks invasive questions. She was “Johnny-on-the-spot” that day too!

“So do you love God?”

I did not like that question. Of course I loved God…right? I am a minister’s wife! I teach Bible stories to children every week! I’ve been a Christian for 16 years! I never miss a service at church unless one of my children gets sick. I sing solos at least once a month. I must love God. I must…

Being the persistent friend that she is, she asked again, “Do you love God?”

Why couldn’t I say it? Why couldn’t I admit that I love Him? Furthermore, why wasn’t I able to give her words like adore or precious to describe how I felt about God? I thought I had healed more since September when I was actually able to pray again for the first time since my parents’ divorce. Yet, how long had it been? When was the last time I’d just said to God, “I love you?”

I couldn’t remember.

I wasn’t expecting the roar of emotions that screamed silently inside me. There was a battle happening. A line was being drawn, and I needed to decide- do I love Him?

I know what I wanted the answer to be. I knew what the answer had to be, but fear gripped me. Why was I afraid?

Isn’t He the Lover of our souls? Didn’t He promise to protect us and shield us from our enemies? Didn’t He give up His Son…for me?! What was there to fear?

As these thoughts swam in my mind, I silently prayed, “Why am I afraid?”

And He answered.

The dam burst, and a waterfall of insight and knowledge rushed through me. I understood what was wrong! I could see it!

I couldn’t love. Not just God, I couldn’t love anyone! I could provide plenty of cheap substitutes. I could pretend to love all day long. I could serve all day long. As long as I was “doing” it looked like love. But real love…

Real love is risky. Real love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Real love never ends. Real love does not keep a record of wrongs. Real love knows fully, and still chooses to love fully. No holds barred. No self-preservation. No choice of persons. No fear…because…

Perfect love casteth out every fear.

I couldn’t say I loved God, because what if I wasn’t good enough? What if I’d already given Him everything I have, and it STILL wasn’t enough? What if I’d done everything in my power to “be” the “right” kind of person and He still thought I needed to be more…to be better? What if I was already the best mom, wife, friend, sister or daughter I knew how to be and it wasn’t right enough? What if I trusted Him with everything again, and He pulled the carpet out from under me? If I admitted I loved Him, would He even love me back, or would I just be left with nothing…no relationship. Would I feel even more empty inside?

Then I realized, God is not like my mother. I don’t have to be good enough for God! He died for me before I was even born- before I could even work on being good enough! God doesn’t want me to be exhausted from giving everything I have…He wants to give me HIS strength to give! He doesn’t want me to be “right” by anyone else’s standards…He wanted to show me “right” Himself and then share His might with me so I could become that person! He loves me for myself! I KNOW He does! He CREATED me just the way I am! I don’t have to be afraid to trust Him! He won’t betray me! The Bible says He is close to the broken-hearted and SAVES those who are crushed in spirit! And as far as being left with nothing…that’s impossible! He will never leave me or forsake me!

I had been listening to the lies of satan; for WAY too long!

Knowing now that it is safe to love God, I made a choice. Do I love God?

I couldn’t speak so I nodded my head, “Yes!”

It hurt intensely. I was wrestling with the Prince of Darkness. I was letting go of so much pain and internal sickness in one simple “yes”. My friend was praying over me. I was sobbing.

She read my mind and asked me if I wanted to pray! I knelt down beside the bed, and barely uttered, “I love You,” weakly at first. Then again, “I love you, God!” Then again, and again. Such simple words. Such empowering words. Words of FREEDOM. “I LOVE YOU, GOD!”

Later on, our roommates came back from an afternoon of shopping at the outlet malls. “Did you guys have a good afternoon?”

Wow. How do you answer that question?! There was so much to say and so few words came out,

“Yes, we did!”

I briefly told them we spent the afternoon crying and praying then crying and praying! I promised more details would follow soon. And the details are still following. I am a Babe in Christ again. I am growing. I have been given new eyes and new strength. I am learning to walk with Him all over again. I am reminding myself to get up every morning and start my day by simply saying, “I’m here, God. What do You want today?” But the best part is, I am loving.

I am thinking about who I am with, and what I am communicating to them about Christ from the time they spend with me. I am loved, and I can “feel” God again. Not always the strong, booming way that is so nice to experience every now and then; but the still, small voice that constantly whispers, “I AM, and I am here!” I have peace. I have God and He has me. What JOY!

For those of you who read my last letter in the Fall, you will appreciate this last question from my friend that day in the hotel:

“Where is God now?”

“Right here. Kneeling beside me. With His arm around my shoulder.”